Insecurities
by Animegoil
Summary: They'd had their share of fights, but this one was taken too far, and Rikuou and Kazahaya's relationship falls into insecurities that have haunted their fragile bond since the beggining. KR


**Hello! Second GD fic (first one being Must Get Out), and though I don't know where it's going, I wrote this and had to post it... **

**First, a short note so you aren't confused in the beggining... in my fic, Rikuou and Kazahaya are already together. Some language issues, and SHOUNEN AI. ...duh... But I just will not get over CLAMP fans who do not like shounen-ai... you cannot like CLAMP and at least not accept shounen-ai, i mean, they have it in practically all their works... anyway. **

**Enjoy!**

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**_Insecurities_**

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It really wasn't Kazahaya's fault that he wasn't doing his homework. First off, he was only going to be at this stupid all-boys school until they found the book they were looking for, and hopefully that would only take a couple more days. There was no point in doing work if they were leaving in a week.

Second, he really wasn't very good at anything that had to do with textbooks.

But the third and most important reason he couldn't keep his mind focused was much simpler.

Rikuou Himura was playing soccer in the field in front of him.

_Ha, the cocky guy's probably_ expecting _me to be staring at him the whole time… he'd probably feel insulted if I didn't_, the blonde boy thought, letting a fond smile cross his lips. He'd passed that silly blushing stage a while ago. Still, there was a slight warmth rising in his face as he took in the tall, muscular, sweat-soaked body that was pretty much just flaunting itself in front of him.

There was nothing Kazahaya hated more than blushing, though, so he took a deep breath and buried his head in his book again.

He heard a shout from some player, but ignored it.

"Kazahaya!" he looked up immediately at the sound of his name, but anything coming from _that_ mouth would have had him glancing up anyway.

"Watch out!" Rikuou's eyes were wide, and Kazahaya blinked and looked out towards the field. He saw the blurry black and white sphere tearing through the air, aimed straight at him, but couldn't do more than just stare open-mouthed. Ducking wouldn't have helped anyway.

There was a sudden loud _thwack_, and Kazahaya cried out, suddenly jerked from his paralysis.

"Rikuou!" he rushed forward to the tall black-haired man who now held his arm, a visible grimace on his face. The ball lay at his feet, having been blocked from its path by him, "Are you alright?"

He just brushed the blonde off, leaving Kazahaya feeling mildly hurt.

"You idiot!" he yelled at the brunet who had kicked the offending ball and now stood back, cowering under the normally detached gaze that now burned with a sort of smoldering fury, "Can't you aim? You could have hurt him! What the hell are you doing playing soccer if you can't aim right!"

"Rikuou! Rikuou, I'm fine," Kazahaya tried again, looking at the reddened mark on the other boy's arm. His fingers brushed gently across the muscled arm, and suddenly Rikuou whirled around to him.

"And you! You can't do anything without getting yourself into danger, can you?" he growled, caught up in his uncharacteristic rage, not noticing the hurt look that was making its way onto Kazahaya's face.

"I-I'm sorry…" green-eyes lowered, unable to look at that angry gaze.

"You should be! I'm sick of having to step in to save you every time because you can't stay safe! What would happen to me if you got killed during one of our stupid jobs? One day I'm not going to be there to save your sorry ass!"

Kazahaya stared at Rikuou, his heart squeezing painfully and feeling a weight like lead settling in his stomach. Rikuou… never talked to him like this. They argued, fought, yelled, but it was never… serious. His hands clenched at his side as Rikuou continued to berate him, trying to keep the hurt and anger brewing in him in check.

"You jerk!" he finally burst, wiping at his face furiously as he felt a hot tear run down his face, "I don't care! If you're sick of saving me all the time then don't! I'll take care of myself without you! I don't need you at all! I don't know how I could have ever loved you!"

Rikuou's head snapped back, and the fury of his rant was quenched out like a match in a flood.

"What… I…" his wide eyes were trying to make sense of just what Kazahaya had said, but the vivid picture of Kazahaya's large amber eyes dulled in hurt and brimming with tears distracting him from making a coherent sentence.

"Kazahaya, wait!" he finally called out, but the light-haired boy was gone.

:Daily use of the drug causes poisoning:-

Their relationship had always been somewhat fragile in its strength. It had been tentative as well sure, two sides for the two different aspects of their lives.

It was a given that they'd die for each other, their bond formed througha yearof living together partaking in dangerous jobs securing them like a steel rope. But when it came to getting along and being able to communicate on a more personal level, it thinned to a delicate gossamer thread. Rikuou's generally cold personality and Kazahaya's hot temper often clashed, and their arguments were as common as their kisses.

It was a delicately balanced love, and Rikuou had just shattered it. Snapped the fragile thread that kept them together.

He had run after the blonde, the soccer game forgotten, chasing the golden glimpses of hair he managed to catch ahead of him. His mind screamed at him for his stupidity in his rage, and his heart slowly agonized over every word Kazahaya had thrown at him. But soon enough, the glimpses trickled down to the mere sound of footsteps, and that trailed away to nothingness. He was left standing in the middle of the school hallways, surrounded by students that milled about, ignorant of the 'lover's spat' they had missed.

Kazahaya had always been faster than him.

He had spent the next hours wandering aimlessly through the corridors, feeling a lost haziness covering his thoughts like a veil, rubbing his arm where the muscle had bruised. His mind kept replaying the scene over and over… Wide amber eyes lost in undeserved hurt… the solitary tear that had coursed down his pale face…

He hadn't meant to yell at him. At the sight of the soccer ball hurtling straight at Kazahaya's head, panic had surged in dark-haired boy. That, coupled with the pain of the impact, had lead to him verbally releasing his frustration and worry as anger, and he had taken it out on the one that hadn't deserved it at all.

Rikuou laughed bitterly,_ I worry, and he pays by me yelling at him._

He closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall in the now empty hallways, and sighed. He knew he wouldn't find Kazahaya until his blonde-haired partner _wanted_ to be found.

He really was an idiot. After Tsukiko, he hadn't thought he'd ever love someone again. But Kazahaya had grown on him… somehow _he_ had apparently grown on Kazahaya, and something had blossomed. And here he had gone and destroyed it all. Funny, they'd fought before, but never had it gone like _this_. The name calling was always there, but there had never been personal attack… how was he going to fix it?

He was trying to forget the last part of him statement though… '_I don't need you… I don't know how I could… have loved you…'_

Had Kazahaya ever really loved him in the first place? A weary sigh escaped his lips. It… had actually been one of his bigger insecurities. Did Kazahaya really love him, and would he be able to keep him safe?

Apparently, both were negative.

He'd always wondered how anyone could love an individual like him, and after Tsukiko, he had never thought he'd have the luck to find someone who would love him for who he was. Sure, Kazahaya was always affectionate and cute in how timid he could be sometimes, always honest and loving… but there was always a nagging thought in the back of his mind that wondered if Kazahaya only loved him because there was no one else, or if it was an act, or simply a friendship that the kid hadn't been able to respond correctly to…

No! Kazahaya always… always told him…

'_I love you'_

The sun was setting, its brilliant glare softening into something warmer and less comprehensive, but at the same time more beautiful. The glass windows seemed to block the light somehow, dull it… But the warmth felt good, and Rikuou couldn't help but stand there, soaking up the waning rays of sun, willing his mind to clear.

Tonight, he thought. The smaller boy would have to come back to his room, they were roommates after all, and so Rikuou would see him then and… apologize. Although really, now that he thought about it, Kazahaya hadn't needed to explode so much… ah, what was he talking about? It was Kazahaya, he always overreacted and exploded… it was part of what had attracted the taller psychic to him at first.

:Daily use of the drug causes poisoning:-

Kazahaya looked up at the darkening sky, obscured by the leaves of the tree he'd chosen refuge in, his gaze swimming messily with unshed tears. He hadn't let another fall after that first one in front of Rikuou.

He was crying loudly inside though. Part of him was waiting, hoping to see Rikuou wander below him, searching for him, and then Kazahaya would make a small sound, and Rikuou would look up… and then they'd patch things up. It was what normally happened.

Another part was telling him that it was too late.

_You screwed up, Kazahaya. He yelled at you, and then you had to make matters worse…_ he mentally scolded himself, as he held back a soft sob, holding himself tightly, feeling comforted by the strong tree branches wrapped around him… they reminded him of Rikuou's arms.

He loved Rikuou… so much… it had been such a shocking surprise when he had finally realized his love for him, and now it was all that he clung to, all that he had in this foreign city without anyone. He _needed_ Rikuou… just as much as Rikuou needed him. They were two lonely individuals in a big city, with no one but themselves…

Why had Rikuou yelled at him like that?…. It had been unfair, all he had been doing was watching the game, as Rikuou had subtly asked him in that indifferent suggestion of his. It hadn't been his fault one of the players had aimed off… it had been uncalled for to be scolded and reproached like that.

And it had confirmed one of Kazahaya's biggest insecurities in their relationship…

He was weak… he was always relying on Rikuou… and at first he'd been mollified by Rikuou's assurances that it was why he was there, to help thesmaller boy whenever he needed it… but apparently he resented it more than he'd told Kazahaya…

_I don't want to lean on you if you don't want me to… but I need you so much…do you really hate saving me that much? _He thought to himself desperately. He knew he was small, and weak, and always screwed up the jobs by being loud and inattentive… he knew he got on Rikuou's nerves, he fought, cursed, was annoyingly loud…

How could Rikuou have ever loved him?

Kazahayaremembered how it had been in the beginning, when they'd first met, and how obstinate he'd been about it, always trying to shoo him off and get along without him. He knew better than _that_ now. He needed Rikuou… but that apparently hadn't been the way Rikuou had seen it.

It must be have been a pain to save someone all the time. To live with that kind of responsibility. Rikuou didn't need that… it was all Kazahaya's fault. And then he'd gone and said those horrible things… and now he'd ruined everything. Why was he such an idiot? He couldn't take care of himself, much less a relationship… and now he'd ruined everything.

Rikuou had been his first love.

Kei had never been more than a sister. Rikuou was the one Kazahaya had shared his first love with. He'd felt so complete with him, like everything was alright. Like life was a constant cheerful dream, where everything he needed was right next to him. That didn't mean he never fought, on the contrary, Kazahaya was sometimes even moodier than before. But that was balanced by the calm periods that would follow the storm, and Kazahaya found that he had something to go on for, something that made everything worth getting worked up over. They always made up, in gentle kisses that slowly turned passionate, and that was all Kazahaya needed.

And now it was all gone, and the shock and realization were making him feel sick. Green-eyes closed tiredly as he slid his hand over his mouth, repressing the nauseating feeling running rampant in his stomach. The wind was blowing harshly against his skin, slivers of cold raising the hair on his skin. When had it gotten dark so quick?

It reminded Kazahaya that it was time to get back to their rooms… but he was scared. He didn't want to see Rikuou… he was probably still mad at him, and it hurt to see the angry glares aimed at him. And Kazahaya didn't know how he'd apologize… much less take back what he'd said.

_What did I do… what am I going to do?_

:Daily use of the drug causes poisoning:-

Rikuou fought to keep from punching the wall out in frustration. Where was Kazahaya? It was near one in the morning, and Rikuou was getting sick of waiting. He pushed down the feeling of worry, knowing –hoping, in truth—that Kazahaya was alright. He was smart enough to stay on school grounds, where he was safe… but in reality, it didn't help Rikuou at all. He wanted to go out and look for him again… but he also wanted to confront Kazahaya about it tonight, before it got worse with the passing of time. And if Kazahaya came back while Rikuou was out searching for him, he was liable to not talk to him at all until he was settled, and the way things were working out, that time might never come.

The clock struck one and Kazahaya wasn't back yet.

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**...Hm... I'm aware that there's something odd in there. OOCness, perhaps? If anyone can help me point that out, I'd apreciate it. That aside, I hope it was... relatively enjoyed... I'd apreciate more thoughtful comments on whether this works or not, since it was a very odd idea i had in mind, and it developed into this... and i'm not sure whether to continue it. **

**And for any who are asking about Must Get Out... I'll work on that sometime... :sweatdrop:**

**Thank you, please review! **


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